Archive for the ‘the onion’ tag
In her editorial “Amateur Hour,” Peggy Noonan quotes an unnamed Obama adviser in 2009 who says of the stimulus:
We should have spent more time thinking about where the money was being spent, rather than simply that there was this hole of a certain size in the economy that needed to be filled, so fill it.
Meanwhile, The Onion asks, Should The Government Stop Dumping Money Into A Giant Hole?
IRVING, TXâ€”According to sources within ExxonMobil’s global headquarters, Rex W. Tillerson, the company’s president, chairman, and CEO, was completely devastated Wednesday by what 18-year-old Skidmore College freshman Samantha Huestis was saying about him in her dorm room.
After aides abruptly pulled him the 58-year-old executive of a deepwater-exploration meeting, Tillerson was said to have gasped audibly and shake his head in apparent despair when notified that the communications major had charged ExxonMobil with “raping the environment” and had claimed that Tillerson himself “only cares about money.”
He invited both parties to a conference at the White House but the talks broke down around hour six when a frustrated Mitch McConnell said, “Oh my God, just do whatever,” and left the room.
“Look, I understand your psychological need to invent someone like me so that you can stop worrying about imminent disasters and get some sleep at night,” said the hyper-articulate, Princeton-educated political-scientist jujitsu-master we’re all imagining. “But the reality is most of the smart, qualified people in this country are wasting away in assistant professorships at struggling public universities or making millions of dollars in some venture capital group. In fact, that’s exactly the kind of job I would have right now if I were a real person. Which I’m not.”
“But good luck with everything,” he added, or rather didn’t add, because he neither said anything nor even ever existed at all.
You’ve heard the expression, “it’s funny because it’s true.” But that usually involves the revelation of a deeper, unspoken truth.
In this case, flimsy, cynical accusations of racism aren’t some kind of absurd comedic device, they are the unfortunate reality of anybody who has substantively disagreed with Barack Obama, championed border security, or expressed disapproval of the Ground Zero mosque. (To name just a few issues off the top of my head.)
From the Onion piece, “American Muslims To Fort Hood Shooter: ‘Thanks A Lot, Asshole.’”
FORT HOOD, TXâ€”Following Army psychologist Nidal Malik Hasan’s shooting rampage on the Fort Hood military base last week that left 13 people dead and 30 others injured, fellow Muslims across the nation sent him a message today, saying “thanks a fucking bunch, asshole,” to the 39-year-old killer. “Hey, great, eight years of progress right down the shitter,” St. Cloud, MN resident Zahida Naseem said at one of dozens of impromptu rallies held nationwide. “And you just had to scream ‘Allahu Akbar’ while you did it, didn’t you? May as well have put on a turban and rode a fucking camel right through the army base, you dick. Thanks for making the foreseeable future a living hell for normal, peace-loving Muslims in this country. Really appreciate it!” American Sikhs are also reportedly enraged with Hasan, and an official statement from the National Sikh Heritage Center read, in part, “look, we got nothing to do with that guy.”
I still love the Onion, but why even bother making this joke? Besides being awkwardly PC and devoid of any humorous content, it’s completely incongruous to their almost nihilistic satirical assault on everything else in the world.
From The Onion, still basically alone in making fun of Obama and company:
From the Onion, which unlike SNL or the Daily Show, has lampooned Obama not just for being ineffectual, but for being kind of a naive wimp.
Previous administrations have immediately resorted to putting wildfires out, but this is a different President and he just didn’t think that a combative approach with hoses and axes would be the best way to solve this crisis.