Hey Sean, show us where you dream up all your amazing theories!

Sean Penn appeared on HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher on Friday and he was in peak form, blathering unintelligibly about the paragon of democratic virtue that is Hugo Chavez (and, implicitly, Fidel Castro):

The collaborative opportunity in Haiti, when you talk about Hugo Chavez, and some of the other people who are demonized, and you know, when some of these countries accuse us of an occupation — where I believe this was strictly a humanitarian action by the United States military, and an incredible one – I’m a little sympathetic. Because every day, this elected leader is called a dictator here, and we just accept it! And accept it. And this is mainstream media, who should – truly, there should be a bar by which one goes to prison for these kinds of lies.

Yes, throw them in jail. Just like George W. Bush, Condoleeza Rice, Dick Cheney and George Tenet (in another clip from Real Time):

Perhaps his eagerness to toss people he disagrees with in jail is borne of envy for his totalitarian friends in Cuba and Venezuela– who have little trouble doing just that.

IMDB reports that Sean Penn is suffering from “severe exhaustion” after the filming of his latest film, “All the King’s Men.” Penn remarked,

“The first week back, you want to make up for all the time you spent away from the kids – mistake. You have to pretend you’re still away except you’re not, so you just sleep and they come to see you, otherwise you’re ill. This one [All The King's Men] has been extremely rough. I’m pretty burnt out and I’m going to have a couple of years off at least now.”

This statement is nearly incoherent, but I think he’s saying he’s really wiped out from reading aloud words written by other people.

In the movie Penn plays a governor. Sadly, since pretending to be a politician has proven so cripplingly exhausting for the guy, actually being a politician must be just plain prohibitive. Those of us pining for Jeff Spicoli to launch a Senate campaign will likely be disappointed.

You have to sympathize with Sean Penn, however. Make-Believe is a taxing endeavor. In fact, the last time I played charades, I had to take a 2-week sick leave from work. And when I played Captain Hook in a 5th grade production of “Treasure Island,” I quite rightfully demanded an extended, excused absence from school.

What a treasure. I tremble to think—what would we do if we didn’t have Sean Penn to tell us how evil America is? What if we didn’t have people so wealthy and out of touch—so wholly without a terrestrial frame of reference—telling us that our values are fraudulent and wrong?

Sean Penn’s bilious little missive to Trey Parker and Matt Stone– regarding their statement that there’s nothing shameful in not voting– is one of the most hilariously earnest celebrity statements I have ever read. (For advanced readers seeking more nuanced extolments on the virtues of voting, visit PBS Kids’ “Why Voting Matters.”)

My favorite part is when Penn pins the culpability for “disembowelment” on non-voters. What a wondrous little illogical fucking Hollywood fantasy. (I copied the text from the Drudge Report, where it was posted on October 6, 2004.)

To Trey Parker and Matt Stone,

I remember a cordial hello when you guys were beginning to be famous guys around Hollywood at some party. I remember several times getting a few giggles out of your humor. I remember not being bothered as you traded on my name among others to appear witty, above it all, and likeable to your crowd. I never mind being of service, in satire and silliness.

I do mind when anybody who doesn’t have a child, doesn’t have a child at war, or isn’t or won’t be in harm’s way themselves, is encouraging that there’s “no shame in not voting” “if you don’t know what you’re talking about” (Mr. Stone) without mentioning the shame of not knowing what your talking about, and encouraging people to know. You guys are talented young guys but alas, primarily young guys. It’s all well to joke about me or whomever you choose. Not so well, to encourage irresponsibility that will ultimately lead to the disembowelment, mutilation, exploitation, and death of innocent people throughout the world. The vote matters to them. No one’s ignorance, indcluding a couple of hip cross-dressers, is an excuse.

All best, and a sincere fuck you,

Sean Penn

P.S. Take this as a personal invitation from me to you (you can ask Dennis Miller along for the ride as well) to escort you on a trip, which I took last Christmas. We’ll fly to Amman, Jordan and I’ll ride with you in a (?) 12 hours through the Sunni Triangle into Fallujah and Baghdad and I’ll show you around. When we return, make all the fun you want.