REDMOND, WA – In its latest move to deploy surplus cash and to expand its reach and relevance, tech giant Microsoft has announced the acquisition of the domain name Awesome.com for $50 billion.

The transaction will consist of cash and the assumption of net debt– chiefly a $7.99 payable to GoDaddy for a month-to-month Economy hosting plan. Awesome.com is wholly owned by Skip Willoughby of Maryland Heights, Missouri and according to Microsoft, earns between $10 and $12 per month through “cash parking,” a GoDaddy service which populates a website with context-relevant advertisements.

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer remarked,

Microsoft is often derided as a humongous, complacent and incrementalist corporation that churns out uninspired products and couldn’t increase our stock price to save our lives. Well, to our critics, I am pleased to announce– we are awesome. Dot com.

There is increasing evidence that consumers are spending more and more time on the Internet. We have been closely reviewing the rise of the Internet over the past 15 years or so and we feel that it is now time to make a bold move– indeed, an awesome move. Dot com.

But when will he answer for the eerily prophetic background pattern? Truthers and Birthers unite!

IRVING, TX—According to sources within ExxonMobil’s global headquarters, Rex W. Tillerson, the company’s president, chairman, and CEO, was completely devastated Wednesday by what 18-year-old Skidmore College freshman Samantha Huestis was saying about him in her dorm room.

After aides abruptly pulled him the 58-year-old executive of a deepwater-exploration meeting, Tillerson was said to have gasped audibly and shake his head in apparent despair when notified that the communications major had charged ExxonMobil with “raping the environment” and had claimed that Tillerson himself “only cares about money.”

He invited both parties to a conference at the White House but the talks broke down around hour six when a frustrated Mitch McConnell said, “Oh my God, just do whatever,” and left the room.

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SAINT LOUIS - A Missouri film production company has taken a gamble on a groundbreaking new comedy which shirks convention by declining to cast actor Zach Galifianakis. The film, whose working title is “Missouri Loves Company,” will reportedly not employ Galifiniakis’s familiar comedic talents as an endearingly off-kilter and dishevelled sidekick.

Galifiniakis is Greek for "ubiquitous."

Although Galifiniakis was hired to provide voiceover work for the film, the scenes were ultimately deleted to meet a targeted running time of 20 minutes.

This is satire. But just barely.

“Look, I understand your psychological need to invent someone like me so that you can stop worrying about imminent disasters and get some sleep at night,” said the hyper-articulate, Princeton-educated political-scientist jujitsu-master we’re all imagining. “But the reality is most of the smart, qualified people in this country are wasting away in assistant professorships at struggling public universities or making millions of dollars in some venture capital group. In fact, that’s exactly the kind of job I would have right now if I were a real person. Which I’m not.”

“But good luck with everything,” he added, or rather didn’t add, because he neither said anything nor even ever existed at all.

Via the White House Flickr feed.