Subway's new spokesperson exudes charisma and joie de vivre, despite weighing in at over 500 pounds.

Subway Restaurants has announced their plan to replace long-time spokesperson Jared Fogle with a personable and vigorous 500-pound man, citing concerns that Jared had begun to elicit pity and sadness from television viewers for his apparent incapacity to develop a life outside of Subway commercials.

Jared first caught Subway’s attention in 1999 after losing over 240 pounds by combining light exercise with a strict dietary regimen built around Subway’s “7 Under 6″ menu of low-fat submarine sandwiches. Subway launched a highly successful national advertising campaign focusing on his massive weight loss and his enduring affinity for Subway sandwiches.

However, in the subsequent years, Jared has failed to develop any meaningful relationships or anything that could be characterized as a career. Jared continues to appear in the majority of Subway commercials, but these ads have recently included celebrity guests in an effort to divert attention from the increasingly pathetic Jared.

While the new strategy may diminish Subway’s appeal to health-conscious consumers, executives at the 32,000-store chain expect to regain the loyalty of diners who were repelled by the pitiful, purposeless man who had become synonymous with their product. Subway has not released the name of their new spokesperson, but he has been described as “mostly sedentary, but passionate and full of personality, with lots of friends.”

It looks like MichaelMooreIsFat.com hasn’t been updated in 7 years, but they do have this photo which is both hilarious and revolting. (Mike, is there a German word for that?…) What the hell is he supposed to be eating? Every time I begin to formulate a guess, I recoil from the screen and vomit.

Pizza the Hutt enjoys some... undercooked DiGiorno and Cheez Wiz?...