The energy of the sun sustained almost all life on Earth.

SUN – The 4.5 billion-year-old star at the center of our solar system has cooled and shriveled into a white dwarf despite receiving over $1 billion in loan guarantees from the United States Department of Energy.

The failure of the sun marks another disappointing outcome in a series of ill-fated solar energy investments by the federal government and one which is likely to have adverse long-term consequences for the billions of people who have relied on the sun for warmth and food.

President Barack Obama remarked Wednesday,

The failure of one G2V-class celestial body does not spell the end of green energy for the United States.

Much promise remains for the green economy. We must look ahead to a new dawn– er, a new day…

Hey, it’s not nearly as bad as everybody’s saying–

In Australia, the Labor government, eager to flaunt its green credentials, instituted a nationwide environmentally-friendly roof-insulation program, using energy-efficient foil insulation. It certainly reduces the carbon footprint of many Aussies’ homes: At the time of writing, 172 of them have burned down. It reduces your personal carbon footprint, too: Four installers of the foil have been fatally electrocuted. As the Sydney Daily Telegraph’s Tim Blair noted, the foil-insulation program has a higher fatality rate than Oz forces in Afghanistan. And, if the electrician survives long enough to get the installation completed, the good news is that, unlike the electric Zamboni, the electric attic always has plenty of juice: Colin Brierley had the foil insulation put into his Gold Coast home and was electrocuted a week later. The environmentally friendly electric shock entered through his knees, exited from his head, and led to a nice stay in hospital in an induced coma.
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At Copenhagen, Europe attempted to do to the developed world’s entire economy what Peter Garrett’s foil insulation did to poor old Colin Brierley of Windaroo in the Gold Coast. They were prevented from doing so only by Brazil, China and India, three countries with more conventional (ie, non-suicidal) concepts of national interest.

ELYRIA, OHIO – In a visit to a factory of football helmet maker Riddell, President Barack Obama was shocked and horrified to discover that many of the company’s manufacturing processes and source materials do not conform to his vision of green technology and sustainability-oriented jobs.

The company, which was founded over 70 years ago, continues to manufacture helmets and other sporting goods with plastics and many traditional manufacturing methods. Furthermore, the products are distributed nationally through modes of transportation other than high-speed rail, hybrid vehicles and solar-powered zeppelins.

After the visit, the president reportedly convened his top economic advisors who informed him that an estimated 97-100% of American jobs cannot be classified as “green” nor can be easily replaced with green jobs. It is also being reported that Obama is considering additional stimulus spending on companies that avoid or reduce carbon emissions by failing to provide any tangible good or service of any value.

UPDATE (1/29): From Michael Bradley:

Barack Obama signed legislation today requiring all football helments to be made from recycled newspapers. “This is the type of economic micromanagement that makes something or another that the experts call a multiplier. In addition to creating green football helments, this will stimulate the moribound newspaper industry.”

Curtis Williams, Chucky Mullins and Darryl Stingley could not be reached for comment.