In Australia, the Labor government, eager to flaunt its green credentials, instituted a nationwide environmentally-friendly roof-insulation program, using energy-efficient foil insulation. It certainly reduces the carbon footprint of many Aussies’ homes: At the time of writing, 172 of them have burned down. It reduces your personal carbon footprint, too: Four installers of the foil have been fatally electrocuted. As the Sydney Daily Telegraph’s Tim Blair noted, the foil-insulation program has a higher fatality rate than Oz forces in Afghanistan. And, if the electrician survives long enough to get the installation completed, the good news is that, unlike the electric Zamboni, the electric attic always has plenty of juice: Colin Brierley had the foil insulation put into his Gold Coast home and was electrocuted a week later. The environmentally friendly electric shock entered through his knees, exited from his head, and led to a nice stay in hospital in an induced coma.
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At Copenhagen, Europe attempted to do to the developed world’s entire economy what Peter Garrett’s foil insulation did to poor old Colin Brierley of Windaroo in the Gold Coast. They were prevented from doing so only by Brazil, China and India, three countries with more conventional (ie, non-suicidal) concepts of national interest.

ELYRIA, OHIO – In a visit to a factory of football helmet maker Riddell, President Barack Obama was shocked and horrified to discover that many of the company’s manufacturing processes and source materials do not conform to his vision of green technology and sustainability-oriented jobs.

The company, which was founded over 70 years ago, continues to manufacture helmets and other sporting goods with plastics and many traditional manufacturing methods. Furthermore, the products are distributed nationally through modes of transportation other than high-speed rail, hybrid vehicles and solar-powered zeppelins.

After the visit, the president reportedly convened his top economic advisors who informed him that an estimated 97-100% of American jobs cannot be classified as “green” nor can be easily replaced with green jobs. It is also being reported that Obama is considering additional stimulus spending on companies that avoid or reduce carbon emissions by failing to provide any tangible good or service of any value.

UPDATE (1/29): From Michael Bradley:

Barack Obama signed legislation today requiring all football helments to be made from recycled newspapers. “This is the type of economic micromanagement that makes something or another that the experts call a multiplier. In addition to creating green football helments, this will stimulate the moribound newspaper industry.”

Curtis Williams, Chucky Mullins and Darryl Stingley could not be reached for comment.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Missouri has won a $1.2 million grant funded by the federal stimulus package for research on “green” occupations and the skills needed for these jobs.

The planned research includes statewide and regional green growth reports with localized analyses of green industries and job trends; a green competency model, which will spell out the skills and competencies needed for green occupations; and a green pathways career guide, which will present a step-by-step guide to securing green careers with assessments, skill lists and training information.

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Examples of specific occupations with “green” potential include farmers, engineers, environmental compliance inspectors, biologists and construction managers.

I’m not even going to touch that second paragraph because it’s indecipherable consultant-speak. I’m kind of surprised the Business Journal published that sentence.

So let’s look at that last passage about prospective “green jobs.” If we’re talking about potential career paths, this is a no-brainer– you’ve got to go with “environmental compliance inspector.”

Essentially, the federal government is paying Missouri to research how people can receive more money from the federal government for enforcing federal government regulations that destroy actual jobs. What kind of schmuck would pick “farmer” or “engineer” when you’ve got a shot at a triple-reinforced federal bureaucratic green job like that?

I am reminded of this satirical chart. It seems less absurd every day.

Report: 98% Of Stimulus Jobs Created Involve Analyzing Or Reporting On Job Creation

Jesus Christ. These new green jobs suck.

It is undeniable that the contemplated carbon tax/”cap-and-trade” legislation will create jobs. But the question should not be whether it will create jobs, but rather what kinds of jobs? How many? And, at what cost?

Here is Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.), the chairwoman of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee, describing how the legislation could be a jobs windfall for her home state:

Moving forward with the climate bill, Boxer said, would “allow this economy to take off, because it would draw, not federal funds, but private funds.”

She said that venture capitalists in her home state of California have told her that the bill would signal a good time to invest in green technologies, which Boxer said she hoped would create jobs.

If the government makes it inordinately expense or difficult, or both, to do business, it is likely that entrepeneurs and investors will divert resources to emergent industries that solve (or circumvent) those challenges. At least as long as we practice some semblance of capitalism, that’s what will happen. And it will clearly create some jobs. But something else will happen, too– dirty, boring industrial jobs that Barbara Boxer and Kleiner Perkins don’t have any interest in may evaporate or move to China or India forever.

I can’t help wondering what other legislation might create new, sexy, “green collar jobs,” whatever the hell that means:

• Grounded-for-Good. It is illegal to fly on an airplane unless you are a Congressperson, or one of the 25 amazing American patriots that each Congressperson is allowed to pick. Source of new jobs: solar-powered zeppelins, hang-gliding insurance, graft
• No-More-Guzzlers. The internal combustion engine is illegal. It is also illegal to talk disparagingly about the imminent Fisker Automotive IPO, or billionaires from Tennessee. Source of new jobs: Self-congratulatory Tesla and Fisker merchandise
• Alpacas-All-The-Time. It is discovered that the alpaca has a substantially smaller carbon footprint than cows, pigs and other livestock animals– which are all, naturally, now illegal. Source of new jobs: Alpaca psychics, one-way zeppelin flights out of the USA

And good riddance…but we do have one thing to thank Van Jones for:  a glimpse into the future of postmodern totalitarian fashion.  He’s bringing back communist dictator/James Bond villain chic!