PALO ALTO, CA – Vice President Al Gore announced on Monday the creation of a new “carbon credit” firm that will offer carbon emission offsets to wealthy international clients by suffocating non-rich Americans and climate change deniers.

The new firm, which is named Expiria, will target high net worth individuals and families whose appetite for private air travel and electricity-guzzling palatial homes has resulted in an unusually large carbon “footprint.”

While other carbon offset solutions exist, they depend to a great extent on renewable energy sources such as solar, wind, hydroelectric and biofuels. Gore described Expiria’s innovative solution to reducing emissions,

The great thing about our new technology is that it attacks the problem from three directions.

First, it provides a market for anybody from the wildly wealthy to the preposterously wealthy to cancel out the deleterious effects of their jet-setting lifestyle and shield themselves from cries of hypocrisy.

Second, it promises to eliminate a large segment of the human habitational cohort, thereby reducing the considerable emissions that humanoid bioentities make on an aggregate level– much of it simply by exhaling.

Third, Expiria has targeted for carbon-negation individuals who have expressed skepticism about global climate change. They’re already expelling poisonous carbon gas every time they open their mouth– there’s no need to tolerate their hateful anti-science either. That makes Expiria’s work much easier, creating a virtuous cycle between numbers one, two and three.

Much of the work is done by the Carbon-Negative Smothering Pillow^TM, a product manufactured by Gaiatech, another green tech company co-founded by Gore.

A non-rich American could not be reached for comment because we did not bother to contact any.

See also: New Al Gore Start-Up Manufactures Scientific Consensus

Carbon-neutral styling.

From a fawning, self-contradicting article in the New York Times (emphasis added):

Mr. Gore is not a lobbyist, and he has never asked Congress or the administration for an earmark or policy decision that would directly benefit one of his investments. But he has been a tireless advocate for policies that would move the country away from the use of coal and oil, and he has begun a $300 million campaign to end the use of fossil fuels in electricity production in 10 years.

But Marc Morano, a climate change skeptic who until recently was a top aide to Senator James M. Inhofe, Republican of Oklahoma, said that what he saw as Mr. Gore’s alarmism and occasional exaggerations distorted the debate and also served his personal financial interests.

Mr. Gore has testified numerous times in support of legislation to address climate change and to revamp the nation’s energy policies.

He appeared before the House Energy and Commerce Committee in April to support an energy and climate change bill that was intended to reduce global warming emissions through a cap-and-trade program for major polluting industries.

Umm… really? Here are a couple facts that are– what’s the word– oh yeah, inconvenient:

1. One of Al Gore’s companies, Generation Investment Management, purchased a 9.5 percent stake in Camco International Ltd, a “carbon asset developer” (whatever the hell that is– maybe Jeffrey Skilling knows). Camco has “one of the world’s largest carbon credit portfolios” and coordinates the sale and delivery of carbon credits. I guess Camco will completely sit out the pending “cap-and-trade” legislation, in order to preserve Gore’s putative independence?
2. Just browse the “Greentech” portfolio companies at venture capital firm Kleiner Perkins (of which Al Gore is a partner). Solar technology, fuel cells, energy management solutions, geothermal energy… None of these firms would benefit directly from new legislation mandating a reduction in carbon emissions?

Listen, I’ve got no problem with Al Gore getting stinking filthy rich on his ideas for Hope-powered zeppelins and magical-fantastical windmills. But can we stop pretending like this guy is a selfless saint?