CUPERTINO, CA – Apple Inc. announced today that the next update to the iPhone operating system (iOS) will correct bugs that have overstated signal reception, slowed processing speeds and permitted sociopathic celebrity Mel Gibson to place phone calls to other human beings.

The flaw in the existing version of the iOS has mistakenly allowed Mel Gibson to place phone calls which are not only horrifyingly insane to the person who answers them, but irrecoverably devastating to the professional reputation of Mel Gibson.

CUPERTINO, CA – Apple, Inc. announced today that the consumer technology company will cease marketing to humans and begin developing all new products exclusively for sale to existing Apple devices, such as the iPod, iPhone and newly released iPad.

Apple’s Senior Vice President of Industrial Design Jonathan Ive remarked,

Apple is all about experience. And we will shortly reach a point where human beings cannot experience Apple products the way they are meant to be experienced because they will lack the computational faculty.

Our new strategy will permit us to continually enhance the Apple experience by targeting it to an audience unconstrained by human biology and, above all, loyal to our brand.

The next device in Apple’s pipeline is rumored to be named the “iShield” and to be used by Apple devices to block contact from interfering humans.

SEE ALSO: New Apple “iPad” Helps Technology Fans Stay Dry During Apple Device Launches

Gore was seated in the first row, along with his six fellow board members, in Apple’s Town Hall auditorium as several stockholders took turns either bashing or praising his high-profile views on climate change.

At the first opportunity for audience participation just several minutes into the proceeding, a longtime and well-known Apple shareholder–some would say gadfly–who introduced himself as Sheldon, stood at the microphone and urged against Gore’s re-election to the board. Gore “has become a laughingstock. The glaciers have not melted,” Sheldon said, referring to Gore’s views on global warming. “If his advice he gives to Apple is as faulty as his views on the environment then he doesn’t need to be re-elected.”

Via JammieWearingFool.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Apple, Inc. CEO Steve Jobs announced today the launch of the hotly-anticipated “iPad.” The device, which resembles a diaper or sanitary pad, helps technology enthusiasts avoid soiling themselves with excitement during the launch of a new Apple product.

UPDATE: Missourah had the device all wrong. Here’s the commercial–

SEE ALSO: All New Apple Devices Will Be Sold Exclusively To Existing Apple Devices