Charlie Sheen hasn’t slept since 1989, and that was when he slept with Chuck Norris’s wife.

Emilio Estevez is actually a hallucination Charlie Sheen had at a party at Judd Nelson’s house in 1984.

When Charlie Sheen takes the red pill, nothing happens. Then he punches a hooker.

Jim Morrison named “The Doors” after a series of glass doors he saw Charlie Sheen punch hookers through.

Cocaine was removed from the original formula for Coca-Cola because Charlie Sheen had already snorted it all.

And evidently so does British critic David Thomson, ­Editor of The Biographical Dictionary Of Film. The Daily Mail has excerpts and this one is my favorite:

MATT DAMON: What’s most interesting about Damon is the very lack of good looks– and the feeling of a squashed and rebuilt face.

Matt Damon’s strident, leftist politics are really annoying, too, but Thomson is correct– above all, Matt Damon has a weird face.

SAINT LOUIS - A Missouri film production company has taken a gamble on a groundbreaking new comedy which shirks convention by declining to cast actor Zach Galifianakis. The film, whose working title is “Missouri Loves Company,” will reportedly not employ Galifiniakis’s familiar comedic talents as an endearingly off-kilter and dishevelled sidekick.

Galifiniakis is Greek for "ubiquitous."

Although Galifiniakis was hired to provide voiceover work for the film, the scenes were ultimately deleted to meet a targeted running time of 20 minutes.

I was fascinated (and pleased) to discover today that Clint Howard– the goofy-looking bit actor who pops up in big brother Ron’s movies– is an out-and-out conservative.

Howard described himself as a “conservative minded citizen” in an interview with the Daily Caller:

“I understand that show business people can wear the public a bit thin when it comes to politics. I know they wear me thin,” Howard said. “I’m not a policy wonk and I don’t dream of being a political operative. My goal as a citizen is to do what I can to help the causes that I personally believe in. To me, it is the same as walking the precinct.”

Of course, it is no mystery that Ron Howard carries water for the Democrats and merrily proselytized the Hopenchange mythos.

So why is Clint (b. 1959) a conservative and Ron (b. 1954) a liberal? For me, this photo from the Daily Caller article says it all:

See also: constrained vision, unconstrained vision

One of these men looks sunny, self-satisfied and a little credulous. One of them looks like Clint Howard.

I’ve heard a lot of crowing recently about the Chevy Volt only getting 40 miles of all-electric driving. If you are one of the critics, please take a look at the map below and see for yourself how perfectly reasonable 40 miles is (click to enlarge)–

UPDATE: Thanks for the link, Unreligious Right! Also, Atomic Fungus and In My Copious Free Time.

HornBearDog Strikes Again!

The National Enquirer reports that two additional message therapists claim they were abused by Al Gore. The following incident allegedly took place at a Beverly Hills hotel when Al Gore was in town for the Oscars–

“The therapist claimed that when they were alone, Gore shrugged off a towel and stood naked in front of her.

“He pointed at his erect penis and ordered her, ‘Take care of THIS.’“

CUPERTINO, CA – Apple Inc. announced today that the next update to the iPhone operating system (iOS) will correct bugs that have overstated signal reception, slowed processing speeds and permitted sociopathic celebrity Mel Gibson to place phone calls to other human beings.

The flaw in the existing version of the iOS has mistakenly allowed Mel Gibson to place phone calls which are not only horrifyingly insane to the person who answers them, but irrecoverably devastating to the professional reputation of Mel Gibson.

Larry King has announced he’s leaving the CNN show he’s been hosting since 1985, when he was only 114 years old.

Anybody who has experienced the joy of watching Larry King’s exhaustively researched and deeply perceptive interviews– epitomized by the clip below– knows he’s leaving some big shoes to fill. Fortunately, Joy Behar’s corpulent feet should fill them quite nicely.