ONION: Smart, Qualified People Behind the Scenes Keeping America Safe: ‘We Don’t Exist’
“Look, I understand your psychological need to invent someone like me so that you can stop worrying about imminent disasters and get some sleep at night,” said the hyper-articulate, Princeton-educated political-scientist jujitsu-master we’re all imagining. “But the reality is most of the smart, qualified people in this country are wasting away in assistant professorships at struggling public universities or making millions of dollars in some venture capital group. In fact, that’s exactly the kind of job I would have right now if I were a real person. Which I’m not.”
“But good luck with everything,” he added, or rather didn’t add, because he neither said anything nor even ever existed at all.
