A pensive but playful Gonzo Kennedy contemplates the upcoming Rhode Island 1st congressional race.

PROVIDENCE, RI – Gonzo Kennedy, one of the last remaining viable candidates of the storied Kennedy political dynasty, announced today in a series of claps and grunts that he would seek the congressional seat vacated by distant cousin Patrick Kennedy.

Gonzo, a Democrat and an orangutan, is the pet and longtime companion of JoJo Kennedy, another cousin of Patrick Kennedy.

The Kennedy family reportedly convened an extended family meeting at their Hyannisport, Mass. compound to determine the best candidate for the seat. Among those who did not make the cut:

1. Kennneth “Kenny” Kennedy-Kennedy, who was determined by doctors to be sterile from in-breeding and therefore ill-suited to perpetuate the dynasty
2. J. Daniel Macallan-Kennedy IV, who could not attend the meeting due to colliding in a drunk driving accident with
3. J. Daniel Macallan- Kennedy V
4. Caroline Kennedy, who was not invited to the meeting due to an early conclusion that she is unelectable
5. “Snake Eyes” Kennedy, a G.I. Joe action figure once owned by Patrick Kennedy
6. Ebeneezer Kennedy, a turtle, who was not able to reach Hyannisport in time for the meeting
7. Jim Beam, an elusive figure whose spirit is said to imbue every Kennedy (and comprise 20-30% of their body, by volume)

Gonzo Kennedy attended Choate Rosemary Hall and Harvard College, the latter on a sailing scholarship named for one of his uncles.

UPDATE: MikeM reports on additional Kennedy candidates who were disqualified:

• Jim-Bob Kennedy, secret late-term abortion of Caroline’s who was rescued by a sympathetic nurse and grew up in Oklahoma.  Jim-Bob was a successful NASCAR driver until his genetics caught up with him and he drove drunk in the Daytona 500
• Ahmed Hussein-Kennedy, whose money-soaked/gin-bloated idleness led him to convert to Islam out of sheer boredom. He has been living in Afghanistan and was unavailable for the meeting

See also: VIDEO: Kennedy Family Olympics