ELYRIA, OHIO – In a visit to a factory of football helmet maker Riddell, President Barack Obama was shocked and horrified to discover that many of the company’s manufacturing processes and source materials do not conform to his vision of green technology and sustainability-oriented jobs.

The company, which was founded over 70 years ago, continues to manufacture helmets and other sporting goods with plastics and many traditional manufacturing methods. Furthermore, the products are distributed nationally through modes of transportation other than high-speed rail, hybrid vehicles and solar-powered zeppelins.

After the visit, the president reportedly convened his top economic advisors who informed him that an estimated 97-100% of American jobs cannot be classified as “green” nor can be easily replaced with green jobs. It is also being reported that Obama is considering additional stimulus spending on companies that avoid or reduce carbon emissions by failing to provide any tangible good or service of any value.

UPDATE (1/29): From Michael Bradley:

Barack Obama signed legislation today requiring all football helments to be made from recycled newspapers. “This is the type of economic micromanagement that makes something or another that the experts call a multiplier. In addition to creating green football helments, this will stimulate the moribound newspaper industry.”

Curtis Williams, Chucky Mullins and Darryl Stingley could not be reached for comment.