NEW YORK – In an effort to quiet criticism of record post-bailout bonus payouts and to forestall efforts by Washington to impose punitive taxes on financial institutions, executives at Wall Street’s largest investment banks have agreed to grant access to the magical underground kingdom of limitless gold and treasure which has sustained the banks since it was first discovered in the early 19th century.

Goldman, Sachs & Co. CEO Lloyd Blankfein remarked at a joint press conference with other industry leaders,

The people of America and our leadership in Washington have spoken, and we have listened. The jig is up. We can no longer hoard the magically self-replenishing mountains of gold and treasure which provide the lifeblood of our industry and bestow untold, unearned riches upon each of us.

Added J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon,

Some people suggest that Wall Street performs the vital function of facilitating capital markets for our diverse and multifarious American economy. They are wrong. Most bankers spend most of their day simply counting the gold bullion that is delivered to our desks each hour.

In addition to opening access to the kingdom of gold, the bankers indicated that they plan to offer up the “Fat Cats”– corpulent felines who use their paws to trigger disbursements of gold– for a public sacrifice to appease angry politicians.