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"Hilarious." – Daniel Hannan

Twitter Achieves Revenue With Installation Of Vending Machines For Employees

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Twitter Revenue By SegmentSAN FRANCISCO – The popular “microblogging” site Twitter has announced that they have achieved positive revenue in the fourth quarter of their fiscal year by installing a snack food vending machine for their employees in the breakroom at their headquarters.

The company, which was founded in 2006, has heretofore struggled to formulate a viable business plan. Attempts to monetize the tremendous volume of “Tweeting” have failed.

It has been reported that Twitter’s venture capital investors (from whom the company has raised over $57 million) had placed pressure on the business to record revenue by the end of the 2009 fiscal year.

In a press conference Wednesday, co-founder Biz Stone first apologized for his name then remarked,

I cannot tell you how excited I am to stop using air quotes every time I talk about our “business”– today I can announce that Twitter has achieved positive revenue.

While we remain privately owned and financed, with a view to an eventual initial public offering, we are releasing a limited amount of information on our revenue results.

As you will see, the product mix is reasonably well-balanced, but we do have concerns about customer concentration. Fully 90% of Twitter’s fourth quarter revenue is derived from employee purchases and 30% can be ascribed to one individual, a software engineer who works on the second floor– we are therefore working on a strategy to broaden our customer base.

President Barack Obama has reportedly asked Stone to fly immediately to Washington D.C. to brief him on job creation and industrial policy.

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Written by Ironic Commando

December 9th, 2009 at 5:48 pm

3 Responses to 'Twitter Achieves Revenue With Installation Of Vending Machines For Employees'

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  1. Well i am glad to see that twitter has made a profit somewhere who would have thought that it would be a vending machine that put them over the top.

    vending machines

    11 Dec 09 at 7:11 am

  2. [...] none of this should be very surprising. President Obama has, after all, sought counsel from terminally pre-revenue Twitter on job [...]

  3. [...] After the visit, the president reportedly convened his top economic advisors who informed him that an estimated 97-100% of American jobs cannot be classified as “green” nor can be easily replaced with green jobs. It is also being reported that Obama is considering additional stimulus spending on companies that avoid or reduce carbon emissions by failing to provide any tangible good or service of any value. [...]

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