WATERLOO, ONTARIO — Amid rumors that once-dominant video rental chain Blockbuster would close all remaining 300 stores, smartphone maker BlackBerry Limited has announced plans to combine the firms in what is being lauded as the most promising merger in corporate history.
Although BlackBerry had itself been struggling to maintain financial viability and defend rapidly shrinking market share, analysts expect that the union of two once-iconic brands into “BlockBerry” will radically reform the competitive landscape of the smartphone and digital media industries.
In after-market trading, BlackBerry shares jumped almost $900 to close at a record high of $897.53, causing the company to eclipse Apple as the most valuable corporation on the planet.
SAN ANTONIO, TX – Political in-fighting in Washington has caused a government shutdown this week, forcing a furlough of non-essential federal employees. In a statement to the press on Tuesday, U.S. Customs and Border Patrol Acting Commissioner Thomas Winkowski admitted that he was forced to close the border between the United States and Mexico. “We hate to do this, after years of successfully working with the cartels and corrupt members of the Mexican government. This shutdown comes at a terrible time for everyone – October is typically the number one month for human trafficking and number three for drugs.”
Adding to the problem, American’s supply of domestically-grown marijuana is threatened due to the closure of national parks, many of which house the most successful growing operations in the country. It is unlikely that backyard gardens in suburban Los Angeles will be able to meet the country’s needs for very long. President Obama, a leading expert on supply-side economics, issued a written statement that his team was doing everything they can to find “shovel ready” pot growers, including reaching out to the organizers of the Burning Man festival for email lists and contact information.
The border remains a mainstay in political theatre in Washington, where huge amounts of money are discussed, along with futuristic-sounding technology like drones and fences. Political insiders report that Paul Ryan (R-Wis) is secretly working to reopen the border while most of his colleagues are busy talking about Obamacare.
ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI – The new express lane for drivers who refrain from texting while driving has failed to attract a single vehicle in the three months since its introduction to highways throughout the state.
In a bid to draw traffic, highway department officials completely eliminated the speed limit in the non-texting lane and installed billboard advertisements touting the benefits of driving at excessive speeds.
After no drivers chose to use the lane, officials experimented with a one text-per-mile limit in the new lane. The concession still failed to attract drivers.
Most recently, the state has partnered with Delta and American Airlines to provide triple airline miles for distances traveled using the express lane. Officials are optimistic that the airline miles promotion will gain traction when the state begins marketing the program to drivers via text message later this month.
LOS ANGELES – Former Vice President and current activist Al Gore has razed several hundred million acres of Amazon rainforest with a message promoting environmental responsibility. Gore contracted a Brazilian construction firm to produce a controlled conflagration in the shape of the message “Live Green” and bulldoze the smoldering remains.
Gore boasted that the message– intended to raise awareness about the dangers of industrialized civilization– can be seen from space; he also expressed hope that intelligent beings from other galaxies will interpret the message as evidence of his enlightenment.
Several ecologically-minded celebrities such as Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Ruffalo will join Gore to celebrate completion of the project by skywriting “Global Warming Deniers Are Anti-Science And Must Be Stopped” through the exhaust smoke of a large fleet of private jets.
It is believed that Gore raised a portion of the funding for his rainforest project from the sale of a minority stake in his investment firm to the Iranian Sovereign Fund.
“We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.” – H.L. Mencken