THE VATICAN, ROME – Cardinal Attilio Bertello, Spokesman for Almighty God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, met with reporters this morning to announce that God has begun using the so-called “freemium” model, popularized by mobile gaming, in the creation of human life. “Mothers may purchase our proprietary currency, called Wafers, using real money. They can now use those Wafers to speed up creation of a baby in their womb. You can absolutely still have a baby in nine months for free, but for the more impatient mothers out there, you can now speed that process up considerably.”
The spending of real currency on in-game currency has been a major driver of the mobile gaming industry, playing on user’s lack of patience as upgrades in the game can take weeks at a time. A maternity ward nurse in S. Korea has reported that several teenagers in the area have spent enough Wafers to have their babies within 7 days of conception. Catholic officials are exploring other phenomenon controlled by God which could be likewise sped up using this unique currency. Allegations that the Catholic Church had a working title of “Indulgences” for the currency were met with a cold rebuff by Cardinal Bertello.
DALLAS, TX – Billionaire developer and professional sports team owner Stan Kroenke announced this week that he has acquired the largest piece of ranch land in America, the 535,000 acre J.T. Waggoner Ranch about 175 miles northwest of Dallas, in order to relocate the citizens of St. Louis, Missouri.
Kroenke recently prevailed in his efforts to move the NFL’s St. Louis Rams, which he owns, to Los Angeles. He reportedly felt both emboldened by the NFL’s decision to approve the Rams’ move and sufficiently resentful at the petulant, ungrateful residents of St. Louis to force them to relocate to a barren tract of north Texas land.
LONDON – Billionaire and majority owner of Arsenal Football Club Stan Kroenke announced today that he will be moving the team– one of England’s most popular and highly decorated outfits– to Syria, a Middle-Eastern nation engulfed in civil war, just because he’s an enormous dick and enjoys behaving like a villainous caricature.
Kroenke has become widely reviled for his decision to relocate the St. Louis Rams to Los Angeles despite herculean efforts by the Missouri city to assemble a public financing package for a new football stadium. The real estate developer and owner of multiple professional sports team now seems to have embraced his public image of an avaricious, loathsome piece of shit.
CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard University administration officials announced today that the prestigious institution will begin offering daily recess breaks to students, followed by a quiet period for naps and 2% milk boxes. The nation’s oldest university, which was founded in 1636 and has educated seven American presidents, disclosed that the funding for the milk boxes, in addition to graham crackers and bibs, will be drawn from Harvard’s $33 billion endowment.
Harvard University president Drew Gilpin Faust remarked, “We are hopeful that the decision to provide our students recess and naptime periods, as well as milk refreshments, will promote greater harmony within our community. We are working closely with child development professionals to produce enriching recess programming, which we expect to take place within several of the 700 safe zones we have established on campus.”
IRVINE, CA – In a bold announcement certain to send ripples throughout the quick service restaurant industry, Taco Bell has pledged to serve customers in a 100% cage-free environment by the end of its 2020 fiscal year. The pledge comes on the heels of commitments by other national restaurant chains to adopt more socially responsible practices throughout supply chains and store operations.
Taco Bell spokesperson Skip Willoughby remarked, “Although caged dining has provided a consistent and loyal customer base to our corporate and franchise stores and curtailed the high levels of defection our food would otherwise produce, we are committed to adapting as the tastes of the American consumer continue to evolve.”
The fast food chain is also rumored to be considering using real corn in its corn-based meats and cheeses.
WATERLOO, ONTARIO — Amid rumors that once-dominant video rental chain Blockbuster would close all remaining 300 stores, smartphone maker BlackBerry Limited has announced plans to combine the firms in what is being lauded as the most promising merger in corporate history.
Although BlackBerry had itself been struggling to maintain financial viability and defend rapidly shrinking market share, analysts expect that the union of two once-iconic brands into “BlockBerry” will radically reform the competitive landscape of the smartphone and digital media industries.
In after-market trading, BlackBerry shares jumped almost $900 to close at a record high of $897.53, causing the company to eclipse Apple as the most valuable corporation on the planet.